Friday, January 05, 2007

Enjoy the silence

Hush.

Don’t be scared. Sit still. Can you hear your heart beat?

Since the beginning of 2007, I have always felt this tingling sensation in my stomach. No, it’s not the kind of emotion caused by fluttering butterflies, nor the ones caused by nervousness and anticipation. Nor panic.

It’s the kind that hits you like a battering ram and leave you unconscious. Without caution. Without pain. Without any physical manifestation. None, other than…

Silence.

It’s unbearable, this feeling of lightness. To not utter a single word. To suddenly hear nothing but your heartbeat. And yet you allow it to happen. You don’t even consider to speak. You don’t even think. As Milan Kundera said, “When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to object.”

Suddenly, everything’s clearer. Everything that I have ignored, wittingly or otherwise, are slowly revealing. Everything that have been right there in front of my eyes that I have failed to notice.

Breathe.

My sister has slipped disc. She acquired it 3 days before Christmas and she has spent the Holidays lying in the couch. Immobile from her waist down, she chose the couch than the bed because she doesn’t want to feel locked up in her room. My parents keep her company during bedtime by sleeping in a mattress in the living room. They have postponed countless party invitations, the annual reunion and spending Christmas Eve with my relatives because my sister couldn’t join. They spent New Year’s Eve locked up inside the house. She has been receiving therapy on a daily basis.

My dad has kidney stones. I personally rushed him to the ER twice in 2006 and the doctors gave him some kind of medication to cure his ailment. The problem with my dad is, like me, he’s not a big fan of medicines. He always say, he’ll get better, that the medicines are too expensive, or, if he runs out of excuses, he just tells us that he simply forgets. Right now, he’s taking up herbal medicines – a tea that’s suppose to melt the stones and rid him of whatever it is that’s bothering him. Up to know, we constantly remind him to drink it.

My mother has hypertension and all these problems aren’t helping her to relax and stay calm at all.

My wife had her share of health misfortune with a visit to the hospital’s emergency room during the first week of December. Thank God she’s ok now.

Amidst all these - health problems with my family, I managed to retain my cool. I am a busy man. A very busy man that have always shown support to his family during their times of need, at least whenever he can. Time is of the essence. I hate wasting time therefore I always make sure I do whatever I want, when I want. I got used to this pace that I have started living life like a race, leaving all the worries and troubles behind, in a blur, as I dashed into life like a mad man.

Inhale.

Now, in the calming presence of silence, I realized that I have buried my head into the sand. Like a coward, I have hidden what I truly feel, or felt about what my family is going through, and the support I have given them is not enough. I’ve always hidden behind my excuses that I have started to become indifferent. I have chosen not to notice these problems and carried on with my daily routines. I have chosen to live a carefree life. No worries. Everything’s going to be fine. I concentrated too much on pushing forward that I left so many things behind. In the process, I kept a safe distance. Away from all the trouble and pain. Away from harm.

Exhale.

The moment of silence has given me what I didn’t have, living a fast-paced, driven lifestyle. Clarity.

Thank God, it couldn’t have arrived at a better timing.

It’s the New Year. 2007. I have now survived 3 decades, and in 2 and a half months time, I will be enjoying the last year my age will be in the calendar. What better time to regain my focus. To stop and finally, smell the flowers. What better time to pause, take a breather and enjoy the silence.

It’s 2007. It’s going to be a great year. I know, as long as I take my time.

13 comments:

Jay said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. Your blog is terrific.

Most people avoid silence because they want to avoid all the things that come with it. It is good to just sit and reflect sometimes.

Dirk_Star said...

I believe I hear it too...

DNR said...

Hey Russkal!! Thanks for stopping by!! Your words of praise are greatly appreciated.

Read though some of your posts. You truly deserved the Eddie award. I will be back often to read your poss.

Thanks again!!

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

I hope you keep the sense of calm and peace throughout 2007 and enjoy every monent.

Smalltown RN said...

I felt calm just reading your blog. Good luck with maintaining it. Great blog!!! cheers

russkal said...

Jay,

You're right. We all need some quiet time alone and hear our thoughts.

And thank you too, for dropping by despite the fact that you're gravely injured. I hope you're doing ok now.

Dirk,

Glad to know you did.

DNR,

My pleasure. I'm just glad to have found another great blog to visit, and gain a new friend (a biker dude at that) in the process! How cool is that?

I'll see 'ya around.

Whim,

Thank you. Rest assured that I will try.

Smalltown RN,

Your comment made me smile. I guess it's always nice to know that your posts affect your readers in a good way.

Thank you.

jillie said...

Oh how I live for the silence. Too much over stimulation in the world. I think if we ALL slowed down and just listened to our hearts...we'd all be surprised as to what we hear. Great post and good luck with the family.

schaumi said...

ahh, listening to the silence is really important. i love to listen to the silence. i crave it.
it's sooooooo easy to get caught up in just rushing, rushing..
you are very smart to realize that you apparently need to slow down.

and i do hope all your family's health problems will be solved in the new year.

Dirk_Star said...

Knock, knock. Anybody home?

russkal said...

Jillie & Schaumi,

Indeed, it's easy to get sidetracked and lost in this maddening world.

Thank you for wishing us well. Bless you both.

skeet said...

My friend, you are a wise, wise man. I live alone. I fill too many days with the TV or the radio or stero, just to push the solitude away. Mahalo nui loa for reminding that wisdom and insight sometimes need a quiet time to be heard.

Pepper said...

This is why I love to read your blog. Insightful, philosophical, positive, upbeat. Great post.

I am a solitude craver. Silence is music to me. A balm. Not to many people can listen to silence and hear the magic.

russkal said...

Skeet,

Television, radio, or even the computer are wonderful tools to entertain us, but silence gives us something more.

There is knowledge in listening to our hearts speak, a knowledge far more valuable, yet often ignored.

I wish you well in discovering your own silence, my friend.

Pepper,

Your posts always inspire me as well, be it by form of words or photos.

Thank you for enjoying my blog.